If you asked me to choose a favourite aspect of my birth chart, I would say my retrograde Saturn in the first house with Aquarius.
It is a part of a grand trine with my Moon in the fifth house with Gemini and Jupiter in the ninth house with Libra. It only squares with Pluto in the tenth house with Scorpio. I have this masochistic-like relationship with the malefic planet, which I happily give all credit to Aquarius for making me endure through this in that particular way; I reluctantly get great satisfaction from the lessons it makes me learn whenever it decides to flare up during its journey around the Sun.
I am just a cantankerous and aloof individual with identity and trust issues who is also a giant softy, excessive worry-wort and hideously misunderstood.
Saturn for me has manifested itself at my own demise to be that friend that does not seem to believe me whenever I tell them that I have found my “true calling” in life, whether it be another job, hobby or when I make new friends; or when I feel like I finally know how to answer the age old question, ‘describe yourself in three words’ without second-guessing myself. That’s just it! Saturn has this uncanny ability to manipulate me into overthinking every single situation, and being the ultimate people pleaser and peace keeper with my Sun in Libra, I tend to meet the expectations and needs of the world more than myself.
My search for my own identity, my own freak flag that I can proudly wave, is stunted by my own crippling anxiety, low self-esteem and a really unpleasant nihilistic view on life. It’s like I am wearing this heavy mask that won’t let me comfortably have fun and enjoy the human experience until later on in life, when I most likely have my Saturn return.
Before I can reap the fruits of self-liberation at the age of twenty-nine, or thereabouts, when my Saturn return occurs, I must overcome living now as a walking contradiction; I want to make friends but I am frightened of rejection, I want to be myself but I don’t know how and I want to be loved but I think to logically and scientifically, and am too detached from reality, that I don’t know what love means.
And don’t get me started on my ego! I may appear to have my shit together when you meet me in person but deep down, whenever Saturn flares up, I tend to think I am in God when I should believing in a God. It has been the cause for a lot of my relationship and communication issues with my family for a long time.
Physically, Saturn effects have been quite prominent. For example, my mother had me through a C-section birth due to me being in a really inconvenient position at the time and making it difficult for me to be birthed naturally. This is meant to be a common trait with natal retrograde Saturn in the first house people, symbolizing the soul’s fear of the world upon entering it which has resulted in my uncanny ability to put up walls when I feel afraid and have a detached view on the world.
Also, as a result of that birth, I developed a literal “big head”; trapped liquid inside the cranium had caused my soft skull to swell up and solidify at the back. It was the bane of my existence during my primary and high school years, and another trait that is commonly mentioned around the astrology community about natal retrograde Saturn in the first house people; some form of physical deformity (for lack of a better word).
Intimacy is hard. Too hard, that I have been “riding solo” for all my life! I just can’t seem to let myself be vulnerable, and trust that special someone enough with my vulnerability, to be able to establish an intimate relationship with someone. I tend to put up more walls than the intro to Get Smart because I am afraid of getting hurt.
I don’t treat “love” like some casual fling; this maybe my Venus in the eighth house talking (and my Mars and Mercury in my Scorpio Midheaven), but if I were to enter into a relationship or get “intimate” with someone it has to be meaningful and have longevity, no exceptions.
Finally, whenever people assure me to “be myself”, I always laugh because I don’t know how. I always seem to conform to the expectations and needs of my family and friends that I have forgotten how to stay true to myself.
While my Leo descendant counterparts are out living and loving life, being themselves, and being happy without a care in the world with their family, friends and loved ones, I’ll be over here in my own little box of uncertainty wondering how on earth they can do that when the world is falling apart around them. How can they not give a shit?
That’s just it! I must learn how to not give a shit that much and do what makes me happy within reason. Although it is easier said than done thanks to my Saturn placement. Things take time so I need to be patient.
I need to meditate more in order become happy with myself, and I need create and surround myself in more positive energy by thinking positive thoughts.
I need to learn to be vulnerable with people in order to enjoy the luxuries of the human experience. It is great to understand the risk of establishing relationships and friendships, or even starting something new like a job or hobby, but if knowing risks and implications are holding you back from living than what’s the point?
I also need to cut my family some slack. While having friends is great, it is family that is going to be there for me the most when times get tough.
This is why I love having my natal retrograde Saturn in the first house with Aquarius. I may feel my life is not going the way I want now and blame everyone else for my own wrongdoings when in reality it is up to me to create my fate. It is a work in progress, please be patient with me.
Find out where your natal Saturn is HERE.